Last fall, just after I released River, I spoke to a counselor of sorts and she said words to me that hit me like 10,000 tons of bricks: “You have to exist in your own life.” It was the most powerful statement of what I had been feeling and what I was craving for myself. Autonomy. Movement. Choice. Authenticity. Wanting to, for lack of a better set of words, to put myself OUT THERE and see what came back. This applied to me professionally, personally, as a writer, in too many ways to count.
When I spoke to this counselor, already I’d made some changes with my work and myself and clearly with writing. My ebook was live and I was about to release my paperback. I had been active on my campus and been trying to create more mental boundaries for myself with how I dealt with insecurity, stress, anxiety, goal-setting, etc.
But then this academic year (I swear, I live my life according to what quarter I’m in - summer, fall, winter, spring - and the week. Right now it’s Week 6 of term) I put myself into overdrive. I became even more active on campus in a way that is not typical for non-tenured individuals. I marketed the crap out of my book, especially using Twitter, and got involved with some promotions. I gave away over 21,000 digital copies of River and am now - squee! - up to 46 reviews on Amazon. I gave talks to local groups on writing and self-publishing and oh yea, I have been teaching four classes per term (3 is FT) for 2.5 years now and went up for promotion.
Since September my days have been a mix of teaching, office hours, meetings, various email/admin stuff, then home to eat, chat with the hubby, and then go the computer to participate in social media and marketing and churn out 250-500 words a day. Which isn’t much, but on top of everything else, it was something. Weekends were and are filled with more marketing, grading, and prepping. It’s an understatement to say that life has been incredibly busy. I’ve been called Superwoman as a joke and hell, I did buy myself a Wonder Woman wallet (don’t hate!). Work was and still is nonstop.
But it has been wonderful, largely. I was accomplishing things that I never thought were even possible. It’s not that suddenly I became a bestseller - I have sold about 1100 copies - or that I completed my WIP or I am in a totally different place professionally but in so many areas I made progress. I feel I’ve grown into myself and gained, more than anything, confidence in my abilities. At age 38, it feels really, really good.
Yet… There is always a yet. I think I existed so much in my own life that I started to exist right out of it, if that makes sense. Until three weeks ago, I hadn’t exercised more than walking the dogs in a year. And that’s something I’ve made part of my life since I was 15. I was gaining weight but moreover I wasn’t feeling good physically. Beyond my physical self, being so busy suddenly meant I couldn’t settle into a free hour and just … sit. Reading for pleasure? HA! Sewing just to relax, something I really enjoy, fell away. Sitting for a whole night with my husband, just talking or playing a game? Nope.
In late March and early April, at two separate events where I spoke about writing and work, etc., I was asked how I keep everything in balance. Both times the question stumped me for a second before the answer came tumbling out: “I don’t.” The second time I was asked I said honestly, “My life is not in balance. Not at all.”
It hit me all at once: I can’t keep up this pace. Some things I have to stay on task for - work, obviously. My other campus work is a big priority (and one of my goals is to find balance there). The one thing that I could take a break from realistically was my role as author.
So I did. I have barely tweeted, certainly haven’t blogged, hardly facebooked. I have written a tiny bit but nothing to speak of. Since spring term began I just… stopped. Stopped being an indie author and a writer with a WIP and instead I just focused on work and committee stuff and bought that damn 30 Day Shred DVD (Jillian Michaels may be my new hero) and got back to the sewing machine.
You know what? In many ways it’s been great. I am getting my fitness back, and suddenly, out of the blue, I want to take up running. Something about the simplicity of it - put on shoes, close the door behind you, and go - is hugely appealing. I’ve sewed two pairs of pants, a shirt, a dress, and am in the midst of another. I’ve read crafting blogs and stopped checking my sales every two minutes. I have gone days without a tweet.
But at the same time it’s also terrible. My sales have plummeted, I have no social media capital to speak of, and my WIP calls to me constantly. Shoot, even this blog post has been writing itself in my brain for weeks. I think of how much I should be doing and yet I can’t seem to get myself back into it. I know that is directly related to needing a break and needing some balance. Still it scares me a little bit. I have done this before - thought about writing, thought about possibilities, and turned away and done other things instead. Good, important things, stuff with family and my home and work. Things that are easy to use to convince yourself that writing isn’t important, which for me is essentially denying myself of my own soul.
I guess I’m saying is that even now I’m struggling to find balance. Writing books and publishing them are the #1 thing in all the world that I want for myself, and it both makes me angry and tearful that it’s the only real thing I can set aside. I admit I long for the time in my life when I can pare down work to a manageable level, when my crazy fixer-upper of a house is finished (which I haven’t mentioned before, but, um, yeah, that’s been six years too), when I don’t have five extra meetings per week - and all the extra work associated - on top of working OT, and when I can say book three and four and five will be out soon. When I can get up and market, write, take a run, do my dishes, grade a stack, and have the evening stretch out before me for - gasp - leisure. I know that’s a bit of a pipe dream, as life is always busy. There is always unfinished business. And I’m grateful for all that’s come my way.
What I’m certain it comes down to is that I’m ready to have the kind of life where writing is there every day and so is work, and together I am complete and full, not crazy. And where one day the writing is IT. I’m still a dreamer and a optimist, in fact more than ever.
And given what I’ve proven to myself that I can do, I believe that can happen. But for now, I think I’ll need a bit more time to just sit and breathe. Come summer, though, when the grading is finished and my paid work shifts (no summers off here, but I do work less), I promise you and myself one thing:
I’ll be back.
I’ve hit a milestone. I’ve sold over 1,000 books.
1,008, to be exact. But six of those were “bought” by yours truly as part of a B&N promotion and one was via Amazon. For no reason besides, what the hell. What happens when you buy your own book? Turns out, it downloads to your Kindle. And then you get a part of the sale back later in a royalty. Duh. At which you wonder what the point was…
I recently gave a seminar on self-publishing - which was GREAT fun, by the way - where I gave the attendees an inside look at my behind-the-scenes. I showed them my account pages for Create Space and KDP as well as my personal sales spreadsheet. When I showed them the PowerPoint slide with the total sales on it, many of them said, “Whoa.” Clearly they were impressed.*
And then I clicked on the mouse for the next line on the slide to show up, and it said, “But I just met someone who has sold 50,000.”
:-)
My point was, it’s relative. Sales are high or low or middle-of-the-road, depending on perspective. My perspective? 1,000 sales is GREAT. And hopefully it’s just the beginning.
I think what I feel now, more than ever, is that I like being an indie author. I’m not here to say everyone should follow this route, that it’s the only one. Lord knows it’s a lot of work. But now that I’m seven months out from releasing River in the Sea and gaining experience marketing and talking to others about the process, I realize just how comfortable I feel. How… settled. It’s a wonderful feeling, and hard to describe, really. But I feel less like I should defend myself or go into all the arguments about why it’s actually a great choice.
There are certainly writers who are still suspicious and frankly, dismissive of it. There are many who are still tied to the traditional model because it feels official, backed by tradition, and affirming. It feels like it can’t be real or true or GOOD if you make the decision to put your work out there yourself. Being successful in the traditional way makes you David against Goliath, and instead of slinging the fatal blow between the eyes, you become part of Goliath yourself. And I get that. Who wouldn’t want to feel that immense height and power?
I could go into a lot of different reasons why that height and power is no longer for me, how the real Goliath to shoot for is made up of readers, or even how it’s not all that awesome sauce to be part of that particular giant. Shoot, by self-publishing through Amazon I’m certainly feeding another kind of beast. So what, then, am I really trying to say?
I think it comes down to this. I have a book out in the world that I love. I loved writing it, editing it, formatting it… And I love that readers are responding to it. And I love that more readers are out there who might give it a go. I love that I made it to a number with three zeros and I love that I have a draft underway …
At the end of the day, I love writing. I love being a writer. And I love getting my book to readers. All 1,007** of them.
*I’m sure there are plenty of other indie authors who sell this in a week or a month (a day!). It’s cool if you’re not impressed. I wouldn’t be if I were you. But hey, I have to start somewhere. ;-)
**I’ve also given away over 21,000 FREE copies of my ebook to readers, but that’s another post for another day!
Just a quickie post today! Check out Best Ebook Reader for news and promos on great ebooks as well as your Kindle. Their FB page has close to 34,000 fans, so it’s bound to be good stuff. :-)
About 1500 words of Chapter Six from River in the Sea is live on the World Literary Cafe’s blog page! You can check it out here.
You can’t get anything past Chapter 3 from a free sample, so please enjoy. :-)
And, thanks to all those who commented on my last post. It means a lot to me, and I think both my parents had a great birthday.
I’ve been interviewed on several blogs now, and I’m almost always asked what it was like to write a novel based on my mother. It’s a good question, because it is not easy, even when the source material is as good as my mom. But since today is her 80th birthday, I thought I’d turn the tables and interview her! We kept it short and sweet, but hopefully her personality shines through in such a way that you get a taste of the real Leen De Graaf, aka Linda Boscha.
My father also recently turned 80, on 2/22, an auspicious date if you go by numerology. To celebrate both their milestones, River in the Sea is FREE today and tomorrow (ebook version). Enjoy!
Me: Well, mom, how does it feel to be 80 years old?
LB: To be honest, Tina, I don’t really feel any different than when I was younger. It’s just a number. I’m seldom sick, by the grace of God. Frankly, I feel the same every day.
Me: If you were to pick the age that you feel rather than the big 8-0, what would it be?
LB: Probably around 60. I do everything. I clean house, I go groceries, I’m out and about. Today I was outside checking over my flower beds and tomorrow I’m working in the garden and planting spring flowers. Really, I feel good!
Me: What are your goals going forward? For the next decade?
LB: When you get to be 80 you’re thankful that you get another day. So really I’m not thinking that much ahead, not even half a year. I take one day at a time and I’m grateful for that. I can’t get any healthier than what I feel right now. I guess you can say that at my age, I am more focused on living in the moment.
Me: What is it like to have a book out that is about you? To hear from people that they are reading a novel based on your teen life?
LB: I am not ashamed of who I am or who I was as a young woman, or what I did. I’m not a lady and I’m still a bit of a tomboy inside. I don’t think I ever was a lady! I just didn’t have time for that. Never dressed like that, shoot, I never wear a dress anymore. As soon as pants came out those days were over for me. Everybody wears pants now! Even to church. I say, what’s wrong with a nice jacket and a blouse? Boy is that a lot of different from when we grew up.
As a kid and a young woman I worked like a dog. I came out of a nest of eight kids. I’m very grateful that I had the kind of family I did. My father and mother were wonderful people. During the war my mom made me bring me food to all kinds of old people who had next to nothing – nothing at all, really – to eat, and through that, I learned how to give.
When you come from such a big family, the parents don’t have much time to spend with each kid one-on-one, so we relied on brothers and sisters. I was very close to my oldest brother. He took care of me when I was little, as a teenager. I was with him every day peddling potatoes. He would stop and buy me something to drink.
Me: When you first got the book, was it hard to sit down and read it, knowing it was about you?
LB: No, I can’t say that it was. To be honest with you that was one of the better things that happened to me! I’m very impressed that my daughter paid attention to what mama went through and wrote a book. I mean that from the bottom of my heart!
I am very pleased and very honored that you know so much about me, and did so much work to put it into a book. As a mother, you can’t beat that. And hey, the pastor of our church read it and thinks it’s a good book, so I can’t be all that bad.
(Note from Tina: My dad read the book first and finally, a few months later, she read it. So it did take some prodding! But now that she has read it, she is absolutely my biggest fan. Here’s a recent note from her on my Facebook page about this freebie, copied and pasted:
“Tina Honey ,How nice of you to Honer mine Birthday like that„ and i love you for that beside i ALWAYS love you no matter what „you are mine FAMKE „ Mommy”)
:-)
Me: I can’t imagine how hard it was to live through a war of such magnitude.
LB: In some ways we didn’t now any better. I was eight when the war started, so I hardly knew anything else. But of course, it was hard. We were scared every day. You never knew when soldiers were going to be at your door.
Me: Let’s get to brass tacks. What are you doing to celebrate eighty years on this planet?
LB: We are going out for dinner, and I wish you and all my kids were here. (Are you coming out to Wisconsin this summer?) But as for dinner, we’re going to the Texas Roadhouse! Your father is taking a group of us out. Otherwise it’s just an ordinary day. But being 80 - I never thought I’d get that old. I should tell you though, last Sunday there was birthday cake in church, where the whole congregation sang happy birthday to both me and Dad! It sounded like a hymn. It was awesome!
***
I would absolutely love it if you, the reader, would leave a comment wishing both my mom and dad a happy 80th. I love them both dearly.
I can’t resist starting this entry by writing, “Tap. Tap. Is this thing still on?”
I know, hokey. Been done so many times before. But it’s fitting, because let’s face it, it’s been a while.
I talk (complain, really) a lot of being busy. I know a lot of folks are busy, and also a lot of folks say they are and aren’t. And no matter what your situation, complainers in general are annoying. I will try to keep this short and say that I have been crazy busy with work beyond just teaching, and while it’s been insane, it’s also been very good. I need a break and I need to get back to writing, and while I don’t know if I ever have had so much to do in all of my life, I’m also quite happy and sated. A year ago, oof - I would’ve bellyached and been generally a Debbie Downer. So no complaining here, just a big smile and a hope for a “welcome back.”
Lots of things to write about - pricing, KDP Select, personal self-growth, ideas for new books, the ten minutes my husband and I spent buying a new house before realizing there is no way we can sell our current one without losing our shirts… And hello, The Hunger Games is coming out on Friday and I’m rereading the book and shoot, it is THAT good.
But just for now, I’m back, saying hi, and also, watch out here for a big announcement on Wednesday. Hopefully two announcements, depending on how things go…
How’s that for a return? Is crypticism a word? (Nope.) :-)
After saying I wouldn’t - on Twitter, no less; that is pretty public in the indie writing world - I drank the Kool-aid and signed up for KDP Select. My book has been exclusive on Amazon for a while now, but tomorrow and Thursday, February 15 & 16, the ebook version of River in the Sea will be free.
Free. Absolutely no cost. To anyone who downloads it off Amazon.
I could write much more on it, but hey, let’s face it. You’ve already clicked away.
If you’re still here, feel free to spread the word. And, happy reading!
I’m sorry. I have much to share with you; my reading at Tsunami with the wonderful Peter Brown Hoffmeister and the fabulous Miriam Gershow, for one. That was the reading where I had to stop and wipe my nose with toilet paper because it was running, and that was because I was crying…
And there’s the bout of crippling self-doubt I had that came out of nowhere, followed by some wonderful invitations to some great events.
There’s this Thursday’s (February 2) event with the Mid-Valley Willamette Writers, in which I’ll share my self-pubbing experiences and my thoughts on the future for literary writers.
There are story ideas and writing progress and ideas on pricing and freebies…
But there is also the reality: I teach full-time on one campus and part-time on another, and am very involved in a big committee-driven project on campus.
And the final reality is this: there are 24 hours in a day, and at some point, I need to join the dog who is sitting right next to me and just sit, sleep, and snore.
I hope to get back in a week or so. And yea yea, I know, I wasn’t posting all that regularly anyway.
Anyone want to be my personal assistant? For free? :-)
This conversation, on Jessica’s blog where she reviewed my novel, makes me VERY happy.
Just a quick post to say that today, this lovely Friday the 13th, my novel, River in the Sea, is free via the wonderful WoMen’s Literary Cafe. Head on over there to download a copy for your ereader, or even to read on your computer in between checking your Facebook. :-) But hurry - this is for today ONLY.
Happy reading!